Together we will overcome the world.

I am always so awkward at introductions. Speaking of awkward one of my roommates was telling me about when she was in Guat she was trying to explain to some Guatemalans the meaning of awkward.

I was with a bunch of people, about to leave the school dining commons, and I had this feeling of loneliness rush over me. I'm not sure if it was the fact that I hadn't really talked at all at dinner. It may have been the fact that I noticed that a bunch of people who I hung out with last year are now gone. It could have been caused by seeing that everyone seems to be pairing up and running around gleefully together. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I have no interest in doing what everyone that I am associated with wants to do. Because of this I tend to seclude myself. I tell them I don't want to go, which has never been a lie, but then I sit alone in my room. I don't have a problem with this except when I do. I just want to be in the company of someone else without having to work at it. Over the past two years I have poured myself into my relationships with the people that are most important to me, but it feels like nearly all of them have gone out of my life, partly, if not entirely. So now, I am left with the people whom I have shallow relationships with, who haven't left, but also don't really know me (there are a few exceptions). I thought my roommates knew me, knew my heart, until a few recent events that has lead me to believe otherwise.

While having a "roommate sleepover", we're girls, it's weird, whatever, somehow we decided to say one good thing about each other and one thing that annoys us about the same person. One of them said something to me that really hurt me and showed me that she doesn't really know my heart like I thought she did. At a completely different time before that I asked another one of my roommates if she would fill out a reference sheet for a missions trip that I wanted to go on. She looked at me and said, "do you really want me to do this, because I am honest on these things". What was that supposed to mean? I don't know what she said about me on it, but I do know that I didn't get into the trip. 

Anyway I feel lonely; because I exclude myself, and because I'm tired of pouring myself into relationships that end. The only person I blame is myself. That is not sarcasm. Seriously.