Across the world

A year ago on this date I was in Cambodia. What a life changing adventure. Who knew how much I would miss it. Not a single day goes by where I don't think about it.

The new group of people from Spring Arbor are there now and I have been seeing their posts over the past few days. Not only have I been seeing that, but I have been seeing my post from last year as well. I'm struggling with not being there, I want to be woth my friends and just in the beautiful country that it is. The people there are so incredible and I was so blessed to be able to go over there and see that for myself. I am praying that Cambodia has the same impact on the students there now that it did for my group last year.

Pray for me over these next few weeks as I come to terms with being in the U.S. and not in South East Asia.

ទុកចិត្តព្រះ (Tuk Chit Pres)

Trust in God

I have it tattooed on my wrist for a reason. As a reminder, because I forget.

Life is hard, some days harder than others. Minutes ago I sat here freaking out about everything that's going on in my life. I suddenly and unexpectedly have to find a new place to live as soon as possible and that entails so much. I felt like I was doing everything virtually alone regardless of my roommate. But then I read my devotion for the day and I phrase caught me after reading it a second time, "Fearful, anxious thoughts melt away in the light of my presence".

I forget.

I forget all too easily that I need to trust Him. That is the reason this year for a final ten page paper in a class I wrote about it, about what trusting in God looks like yet I still forget to do it. I can look at His blessings and thank Him, I can think about His grace and love Him for it, yet time and time again I forget to rely on Him. I can only pray that this tough time that I am going to will teach me more about trusting the Lord and relying on His promise that He's got my back.

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.” 
― Henri J.M. Nouwen

“Some birds are not meant to be caged, that's all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go, or when you open the cage to feed them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure.” 
― Stephen King

“The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, not the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship.” 
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

“I may not always be with you 
But when we're far apart
Remember you will be with me
Right inside my heart” 
― Marc Wambolt

“No human relation gives one possession in another—every two souls are absolutely different. In friendship or in love, the two side by side raise hands together to find what one cannot reach alone.” 
― Khalil Gibran

I just finished my last ever homework assignment

This is such a weird feeling.

After high school graduation you just think, "Eh onto the next four years of school", but now I don't have to do school ever again and I don't even know what to think.

I'm so ready for this next part of my life, but it is definitely going to take some adapting.

For the past 19 years all I've known is school (okay so that may not be completely accurate) and I'm excited to see what the next 19 brings me.

What a life.

College

You start off as this young eighteen year old
who knows everything
but really knows nothing.
You leave home with this wad of cash in your back pocket
thinking you will never run out.
The freedom you have gets the best of you
staying up until all hours of the night
running wild
this will never end
how can it?

Then it ends.

You are a young twenty-two year old
who knows nothing,
but has learned so much.
Invaluable
are the lessons you have been taught
by life
and its terrors.
You have no money
no home.
The freedom you have gets the worst of you
staying up all hours of the night
thinking
scared,
excited.
What comes next?

It's never the right time to say goodbye

Tonight is my last night in Cambodia. 

Woah. 

There have definitely been ups and downs and I have been feeling so many emotions, but overall, I love it here. I'm ready to be home in my bed and eat food that I'm use to, but I don't want to leave. 

The people here are incredible. And yes, that is what a lot of people say when they visit new countries, but for real, they are amazing. Cambodia has a bad reputation among a lot of people these days, because all their intellectuals were wiped out by power hungry people thirty years ago. This country has gone through so much and is still trudging through a lot of scum, but they continue to pick themselves up and strive for something better. These people have the most endurance out of anyone I have ever seen.

These people talk to strangers on the street like they have been the best of friends for years. They smile and wave to you. They are so kind and friendly and are always ready to answer questions. The Christians I have met here have such immense faith whether they're Americans who have picked up their entire life and moved it here to do God's work, or the Khmer people who have been in a Buddhist country their entire lives. The people trust God so fully it makes me ashamed of my lack of trust.

I went into this trip thinking how depressing it would be and how sad it would be to see all the past and present tribulation that this country sees everyday and it was. What I didn't anticipate though, was the hope that it would fill me with. There is so much good happening here and I think sometimes we tend to just focus on the negative.

God is moving in huge ways here. Christianity is spreading slowly in some villages, but rapidly like a wildfire in others. Sometimes as a Christian I tend to forget how good God actually is. Yeah, I sing about His love, and I see His creations, but I think most times I just let it slide by because I'm use to it all; I forget to open my eyes and my heart to God's enormous power.  

If I have learned anything from this trip it is that my God is a God of healing and that He truly can do anything. God is healing this country so rapidly that if you blink you might miss something. Even as I'm writing this I find myself teary eyed in awe of how God has been moving in this place. 

I will miss all the people I have met here so much, but I have faith that God has great plans for their lives. 

God's power is greater than trials, it's greater than poverty. God's power is greater than our doubt, He will be triumphant.

Cambodia!

Since I'm in another country I have to blog about it right?

So I got to Cambodia on Friday late. We were so tired from being on planes for more than a day straight. As soon as we got to the hotel we all crashed.

There are some differences that I have been noticing here that I want the talk about.

1. Napkins: seriously it is so hard to find books and here and when you do they're these tiny little squares that are super thin and not very helpful. There is a reason though...

2. Garbage: they do not have garbage cans everywhere like we do. You not notice it but in the US we have garbage cans everywhere: on sidewalks, in bathrooms, next to couches, next to doorways, at the end of halls, etc. Here it is hard to find a place to their anything away. This leads to people littering ask over the streets. Driving around Cambodia you see garbage strewn everywhere.

3. Time:  okay so this isn't necessarily about the culture, but there is a twelve hour time difference. It absolutely boggles my mind that when I go to sleep at ten here everyone I love is one the other side of the world just getting up. While I'm also everyone is awake, while I'm awake everyone is asleep. It's just crazy.

4. Traffic: there is probably a 1:8 car to moto ratio here. Although there are sometimes lines painted on the street drivers don't really adhere to them. People just drive wherever they need to. Turning left they just start going without waiting for there to be a break in oncoming traffic. They just go and people have to either stop for them or dodge them (which they are masters at). Even crossing the street is like that you just have to start walking and hope they go around you.

I miss everyone at home a lot and I'm trying not to let that get in the way of me enjoying tell trip. There are some really great people in my group and we're  all getting along great which I love.

That's all I have for now, I'll keep you updated!

"It is a risk to love.
What if it doesn't work out?
Ah but what if it does."
-Peter McWilliams

I don't have time to be mad

 This semester I have been learning a lot letting go of being angry and the people I love. With this being my last semester with some people, or my second to last for others I have really seen that there is no time to waste.

I am an angry person usually, so do not read this and think that this was easy for me to learn. People hurt each other, that is just how life goes, and all too often I would take things super personal and hold a grudge. Then it occurred to me that staying mad at someone you love is a waste of time. Not only is it a waste of time, but also a huge waste of energy. I could choose to be pissed off, but then I'm wasting valuable time that I could be enjoying with that person.

So let it go, get over it, is it more important than the time you could be spending with someone you love?

I quite frankly don't have time to be mad, and neither do you.

If I could get paid to read all day I would be the happiest girl.

I found this in an old journal of mine

On the Strength of All Conviction and the Stamina of Love
Jennifer Michael Hecht

Sometimes I think
we could have gone on.
All of us. trying. Forever.

But they didn't fill
the desert with pyramids.
They just built some. Some.

They're not still out there,
building them now. Everyone,
everywhere, gets up, and goes home.

Yet we must not
diabolize time. Right?
We must not curse the passage of time.

You have always worn 
your flaws upon your sleeve

And I have always buried them 
deep beneath the ground

I mostly blog when I have homework that I should be doing

not saying that is what's happening now... at 1 am or anything.

There is this little boy at the daycare where I work that cannot sit still even if he tries. He is so sweet, but a lot of the staff get frustrated with him, because his listening skills are sometimes lacking and he is constantly moving. During nap time we do this weird thing where we have to rub the kids backs or their heads to get them to go to sleep. Before working at the daycare I had never heard of this and I thought it was extremely weird. Anyway, this little boy, like I said, can't stay still, so when he is laying on his mat for nap time he is always up and down and everywhere. He is the first one we rub. When rubbing his head he fights so hard. He whines and cries and tries to push our hands away. All the while you can see it in his eyes that he is exhausted and that he just wants to sleep. He kicks and fights and does not stop moving, until the second he falls asleep. One second he is moving, and the next second he is dead still.

The point of this story is not really to tell about the boy, but about our relationship with God. One day when I was driving home from work I realized what a parallel story this is to the story of our relationships with God. So often we kick and claw and fight against God's hold, and yell at Him to let go, but He never does. He sees the desperation in us that we often don't want to admit to.  We need that strong hold that He has on us, yet we fight against it. But when we finally stop fighting Him we let ourselves give in to the calm and peace that He is holding out to us. What a beautiful love story! God sees us struggling and clings to us even when we fight Him, because he sees the exhaustion in our eyes and doesn't ever give up on us.

Hebrews 13:5b "For He has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you'."

Romans 8:38, 39 "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God"

Besties

This is Sam. Sam is leaving me soon. 

Lists are good.

My friend was over the other night and he was telling me about things he daydreams about, while we were talking about daydreaming I realized that I can't even remember the last time I daydreamed. I am really so focused on the tasks that I need to be doing that I don't time to dream? So I tried an experiement. For the next few days whenever I remembered I would try to daydream. What. I tried to daydream how pathetic is that, but worse, my mind was blank. What does that say about me? That I don't have dreams? That I lack creativity? I don't so, I think what it says more is that I need to step out of thinking about all the things that I need to get done, and just let myself relax and dream every now and then.

At this house where I babysit the man has a list of his dreams/goals hung up in his office. I may have been slightly nosy to read it, but it was interesting. I have never thought of writing down my goals and dreams so I did just that. It is interesting to me that as I was writing them I realized I had unspoken dreams that I didn't know I had even thought about before. I would highly suggest this practice to anyone, the fun part is, when you fulfill one you can put a check next to it, or even a little note that says, "Go me".

I guess that's it.