This is such a weird feeling.
After high school graduation you just think, "Eh onto the next four years of school", but now I don't have to do school ever again and I don't even know what to think.
I'm so ready for this next part of my life, but it is definitely going to take some adapting.
For the past 19 years all I've known is school (okay so that may not be completely accurate) and I'm excited to see what the next 19 brings me.
What a life.
College
You start off as this young eighteen year old
who knows everything
but really knows nothing.
You leave home with this wad of cash in your back pocket
thinking you will never run out.
The freedom you have gets the best of you
staying up until all hours of the night
running wild
this will never end
how can it?
Then it ends.
You are a young twenty-two year old
who knows nothing,
but has learned so much.
Invaluable
are the lessons you have been taught
by life
and its terrors.
You have no money
no home.
The freedom you have gets the worst of you
staying up all hours of the night
thinking
scared,
excited.
What comes next?
who knows everything
but really knows nothing.
You leave home with this wad of cash in your back pocket
thinking you will never run out.
The freedom you have gets the best of you
staying up until all hours of the night
running wild
this will never end
how can it?
Then it ends.
You are a young twenty-two year old
who knows nothing,
but has learned so much.
Invaluable
are the lessons you have been taught
by life
and its terrors.
You have no money
no home.
The freedom you have gets the worst of you
staying up all hours of the night
thinking
scared,
excited.
What comes next?
It's never the right time to say goodbye
Tonight is my last night in Cambodia.
I will miss all the people I have met here so much, but I have faith that God has great plans for their lives.
Woah.
There have definitely been ups and downs and I have been feeling so many emotions, but overall, I love it here. I'm ready to be home in my bed and eat food that I'm use to, but I don't want to leave.
The people here are incredible. And yes, that is what a lot of people say when they visit new countries, but for real, they are amazing. Cambodia has a bad reputation among a lot of people these days, because all their intellectuals were wiped out by power hungry people thirty years ago. This country has gone through so much and is still trudging through a lot of scum, but they continue to pick themselves up and strive for something better. These people have the most endurance out of anyone I have ever seen.
These people talk to strangers on the street like they have been the best of friends for years. They smile and wave to you. They are so kind and friendly and are always ready to answer questions. The Christians I have met here have such immense faith whether they're Americans who have picked up their entire life and moved it here to do God's work, or the Khmer people who have been in a Buddhist country their entire lives. The people trust God so fully it makes me ashamed of my lack of trust.
I went into this trip thinking how depressing it would be and how sad it would be to see all the past and present tribulation that this country sees everyday and it was. What I didn't anticipate though, was the hope that it would fill me with. There is so much good happening here and I think sometimes we tend to just focus on the negative.
God is moving in huge ways here. Christianity is spreading slowly in some villages, but rapidly like a wildfire in others. Sometimes as a Christian I tend to forget how good God actually is. Yeah, I sing about His love, and I see His creations, but I think most times I just let it slide by because I'm use to it all; I forget to open my eyes and my heart to God's enormous power.
If I have learned anything from this trip it is that my God is a God of healing and that He truly can do anything. God is healing this country so rapidly that if you blink you might miss something. Even as I'm writing this I find myself teary eyed in awe of how God has been moving in this place.
God's power is greater than trials, it's greater than poverty. God's power is greater than our doubt, He will be triumphant.
Cambodia!
Since I'm in another country I have to blog about it right?
So I got to Cambodia on Friday late. We were so tired from being on planes for more than a day straight. As soon as we got to the hotel we all crashed.
There are some differences that I have been noticing here that I want the talk about.
1. Napkins: seriously it is so hard to find books and here and when you do they're these tiny little squares that are super thin and not very helpful. There is a reason though...
2. Garbage: they do not have garbage cans everywhere like we do. You not notice it but in the US we have garbage cans everywhere: on sidewalks, in bathrooms, next to couches, next to doorways, at the end of halls, etc. Here it is hard to find a place to their anything away. This leads to people littering ask over the streets. Driving around Cambodia you see garbage strewn everywhere.
3. Time: okay so this isn't necessarily about the culture, but there is a twelve hour time difference. It absolutely boggles my mind that when I go to sleep at ten here everyone I love is one the other side of the world just getting up. While I'm also everyone is awake, while I'm awake everyone is asleep. It's just crazy.
4. Traffic: there is probably a 1:8 car to moto ratio here. Although there are sometimes lines painted on the street drivers don't really adhere to them. People just drive wherever they need to. Turning left they just start going without waiting for there to be a break in oncoming traffic. They just go and people have to either stop for them or dodge them (which they are masters at). Even crossing the street is like that you just have to start walking and hope they go around you.
I miss everyone at home a lot and I'm trying not to let that get in the way of me enjoying tell trip. There are some really great people in my group and we're all getting along great which I love.
That's all I have for now, I'll keep you updated!
So I got to Cambodia on Friday late. We were so tired from being on planes for more than a day straight. As soon as we got to the hotel we all crashed.
There are some differences that I have been noticing here that I want the talk about.
1. Napkins: seriously it is so hard to find books and here and when you do they're these tiny little squares that are super thin and not very helpful. There is a reason though...
2. Garbage: they do not have garbage cans everywhere like we do. You not notice it but in the US we have garbage cans everywhere: on sidewalks, in bathrooms, next to couches, next to doorways, at the end of halls, etc. Here it is hard to find a place to their anything away. This leads to people littering ask over the streets. Driving around Cambodia you see garbage strewn everywhere.
3. Time: okay so this isn't necessarily about the culture, but there is a twelve hour time difference. It absolutely boggles my mind that when I go to sleep at ten here everyone I love is one the other side of the world just getting up. While I'm also everyone is awake, while I'm awake everyone is asleep. It's just crazy.
4. Traffic: there is probably a 1:8 car to moto ratio here. Although there are sometimes lines painted on the street drivers don't really adhere to them. People just drive wherever they need to. Turning left they just start going without waiting for there to be a break in oncoming traffic. They just go and people have to either stop for them or dodge them (which they are masters at). Even crossing the street is like that you just have to start walking and hope they go around you.
I miss everyone at home a lot and I'm trying not to let that get in the way of me enjoying tell trip. There are some really great people in my group and we're all getting along great which I love.
That's all I have for now, I'll keep you updated!
I don't have time to be mad
This semester I have been learning a lot letting go of being angry and the people I love. With this being my last semester with some people, or my second to last for others I have really seen that there is no time to waste.
I am an angry person usually, so do not read this and think that this was easy for me to learn. People hurt each other, that is just how life goes, and all too often I would take things super personal and hold a grudge. Then it occurred to me that staying mad at someone you love is a waste of time. Not only is it a waste of time, but also a huge waste of energy. I could choose to be pissed off, but then I'm wasting valuable time that I could be enjoying with that person.
So let it go, get over it, is it more important than the time you could be spending with someone you love?
I quite frankly don't have time to be mad, and neither do you.
I am an angry person usually, so do not read this and think that this was easy for me to learn. People hurt each other, that is just how life goes, and all too often I would take things super personal and hold a grudge. Then it occurred to me that staying mad at someone you love is a waste of time. Not only is it a waste of time, but also a huge waste of energy. I could choose to be pissed off, but then I'm wasting valuable time that I could be enjoying with that person.
So let it go, get over it, is it more important than the time you could be spending with someone you love?
I quite frankly don't have time to be mad, and neither do you.
I found this in an old journal of mine
On the Strength of All Conviction and the Stamina of Love
Jennifer Michael Hecht
Sometimes I think
we could have gone on.
All of us. trying. Forever.
But they didn't fill
the desert with pyramids.
They just built some. Some.
They're not still out there,
building them now. Everyone,
everywhere, gets up, and goes home.
Yet we must not
diabolize time. Right?
We must not curse the passage of time.
Jennifer Michael Hecht
Sometimes I think
we could have gone on.
All of us. trying. Forever.
But they didn't fill
the desert with pyramids.
They just built some. Some.
They're not still out there,
building them now. Everyone,
everywhere, gets up, and goes home.
Yet we must not
diabolize time. Right?
We must not curse the passage of time.
I mostly blog when I have homework that I should be doing
not saying that is what's happening now... at 1 am or anything.
There is this little boy at the daycare where I work that cannot sit still even if he tries. He is so sweet, but a lot of the staff get frustrated with him, because his listening skills are sometimes lacking and he is constantly moving. During nap time we do this weird thing where we have to rub the kids backs or their heads to get them to go to sleep. Before working at the daycare I had never heard of this and I thought it was extremely weird. Anyway, this little boy, like I said, can't stay still, so when he is laying on his mat for nap time he is always up and down and everywhere. He is the first one we rub. When rubbing his head he fights so hard. He whines and cries and tries to push our hands away. All the while you can see it in his eyes that he is exhausted and that he just wants to sleep. He kicks and fights and does not stop moving, until the second he falls asleep. One second he is moving, and the next second he is dead still.
The point of this story is not really to tell about the boy, but about our relationship with God. One day when I was driving home from work I realized what a parallel story this is to the story of our relationships with God. So often we kick and claw and fight against God's hold, and yell at Him to let go, but He never does. He sees the desperation in us that we often don't want to admit to. We need that strong hold that He has on us, yet we fight against it. But when we finally stop fighting Him we let ourselves give in to the calm and peace that He is holding out to us. What a beautiful love story! God sees us struggling and clings to us even when we fight Him, because he sees the exhaustion in our eyes and doesn't ever give up on us.
Hebrews 13:5b "For He has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you'."
Romans 8:38, 39 "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God"
There is this little boy at the daycare where I work that cannot sit still even if he tries. He is so sweet, but a lot of the staff get frustrated with him, because his listening skills are sometimes lacking and he is constantly moving. During nap time we do this weird thing where we have to rub the kids backs or their heads to get them to go to sleep. Before working at the daycare I had never heard of this and I thought it was extremely weird. Anyway, this little boy, like I said, can't stay still, so when he is laying on his mat for nap time he is always up and down and everywhere. He is the first one we rub. When rubbing his head he fights so hard. He whines and cries and tries to push our hands away. All the while you can see it in his eyes that he is exhausted and that he just wants to sleep. He kicks and fights and does not stop moving, until the second he falls asleep. One second he is moving, and the next second he is dead still.
The point of this story is not really to tell about the boy, but about our relationship with God. One day when I was driving home from work I realized what a parallel story this is to the story of our relationships with God. So often we kick and claw and fight against God's hold, and yell at Him to let go, but He never does. He sees the desperation in us that we often don't want to admit to. We need that strong hold that He has on us, yet we fight against it. But when we finally stop fighting Him we let ourselves give in to the calm and peace that He is holding out to us. What a beautiful love story! God sees us struggling and clings to us even when we fight Him, because he sees the exhaustion in our eyes and doesn't ever give up on us.
Hebrews 13:5b "For He has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you'."
Romans 8:38, 39 "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God"
Lists are good.
My friend was over the other night and he was telling me about things he daydreams about, while we were talking about daydreaming I realized that I can't even remember the last time I daydreamed. I am really so focused on the tasks that I need to be doing that I don't time to dream? So I tried an experiement. For the next few days whenever I remembered I would try to daydream. What. I tried to daydream how pathetic is that, but worse, my mind was blank. What does that say about me? That I don't have dreams? That I lack creativity? I don't so, I think what it says more is that I need to step out of thinking about all the things that I need to get done, and just let myself relax and dream every now and then.
At this house where I babysit the man has a list of his dreams/goals hung up in his office. I may have been slightly nosy to read it, but it was interesting. I have never thought of writing down my goals and dreams so I did just that. It is interesting to me that as I was writing them I realized I had unspoken dreams that I didn't know I had even thought about before. I would highly suggest this practice to anyone, the fun part is, when you fulfill one you can put a check next to it, or even a little note that says, "Go me".
I guess that's it.
At this house where I babysit the man has a list of his dreams/goals hung up in his office. I may have been slightly nosy to read it, but it was interesting. I have never thought of writing down my goals and dreams so I did just that. It is interesting to me that as I was writing them I realized I had unspoken dreams that I didn't know I had even thought about before. I would highly suggest this practice to anyone, the fun part is, when you fulfill one you can put a check next to it, or even a little note that says, "Go me".
I guess that's it.
"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-St. Augustine
-St. Augustine
Bubble living
Being in a bubble can have it's perks. The bubble usually happens in Christian communities which is what I am living in here at school.
I chose this school because of the bubble. Most people's excuse for not wanting to be here is that they didn't know what they were getting into when they signed up, but not I. I knew exactly what I was signing up for; safety, community, and apparent high standards/expectations. In the beginning it was what I needed, structure, and rules and people to tell me how to live my life and what is right and what is wrong. My freshman and sophomore years it was great to have that. It taught me some discipline, but let's be honest, I have been "disciplining" myself to do what the people who influence me thought was right. In high school I didn't swear and I didn't drink and I thought they were both signs of not being "on the right path", which in high school can be the truth. As I've gotten older though I've come to see that things are not always black and white. What I needed five years ago, even six months ago, is not what I need now.
This summer living on my own really grew me and matured me. I didn't even realize it until I got back to school and what reunited with everyone who was gone for the summer. I have outgrown friendships, I feel like while I matured this summer others stayed in the same place, or even slid backward. So some of those friendships that I depended on last year, I don't need or even necessarily want anymore.
Being in the bubble was good. But it's not what I need now. I am ready to leave it and be independent and I am become frustrated with not being as free as I could be. Over the past week or so I have gone through some stuff that really made me feel restrained. This school has a lot of good things and there are a lot of things that it provides to people that are just what they need, but I don't need it anymore and I'm ready to move on.
*This was written over two days, sorry if it doesn't make complete sense.
I chose this school because of the bubble. Most people's excuse for not wanting to be here is that they didn't know what they were getting into when they signed up, but not I. I knew exactly what I was signing up for; safety, community, and apparent high standards/expectations. In the beginning it was what I needed, structure, and rules and people to tell me how to live my life and what is right and what is wrong. My freshman and sophomore years it was great to have that. It taught me some discipline, but let's be honest, I have been "disciplining" myself to do what the people who influence me thought was right. In high school I didn't swear and I didn't drink and I thought they were both signs of not being "on the right path", which in high school can be the truth. As I've gotten older though I've come to see that things are not always black and white. What I needed five years ago, even six months ago, is not what I need now.
This summer living on my own really grew me and matured me. I didn't even realize it until I got back to school and what reunited with everyone who was gone for the summer. I have outgrown friendships, I feel like while I matured this summer others stayed in the same place, or even slid backward. So some of those friendships that I depended on last year, I don't need or even necessarily want anymore.
Being in the bubble was good. But it's not what I need now. I am ready to leave it and be independent and I am become frustrated with not being as free as I could be. Over the past week or so I have gone through some stuff that really made me feel restrained. This school has a lot of good things and there are a lot of things that it provides to people that are just what they need, but I don't need it anymore and I'm ready to move on.
*This was written over two days, sorry if it doesn't make complete sense.
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