What if it doesn't work out?
Ah, but what if it does."
-Peter McWilliams
Ah, but what if it does."
-Peter McWilliams
The box of hidden treasures
I was talking to a friend earlier this week and they were speaking about someone who was saying they were a Christian but they had never read the Bible. She brought up an interesting idea; how can we truly be Christians if we haven't read the Bible or try to follow it especially the New Testament. Now, I can say that I have read a good chunk of the Bible, but I certainly have not read it all the way through, or even the New Testament all the way through . So I was thinking that I am going to try to do that, this summer, or at least try to pave quite a bit of the way through it. I am excited to start. Reading the Bible is such a learning experience, I have never come away from reading it and not taken away something valuable.
The beginning of the sunrise
So I have been running.
That's right, you read it right, I said running.
I have ran four days in a row, and I am so proud of myself. Seriously!
Four days may not seem like much to anyone, but it's huge to me.
I hope I can keep it up.
In other news, I have a house! Weird to call it "my house", but it is. Right now it is pretty dirty. Over the course of the past year there have been at least seven different guys that have been in and out of the house, causing it to be one of the dirtiest houses I have ever stepped foot in. But I am not worried, because in a week the last of the guys will be gone and my roommate and I will be able to clean up the house and make it look awesome.
I am staying in Spring Arbor this summer nannying various children. So far the kids have been great, and it has proven to be a pretty great job. Also, there are quite a few people that are living here this summer that I will be able to chill with. This week has been one of the longest weeks of my life! In a good way of course. I have been super busy and doing stuff constantly which has been good, there has been no time to be bored.
Hopefully it will stay like this.
That's right, you read it right, I said running.
I have ran four days in a row, and I am so proud of myself. Seriously!
Four days may not seem like much to anyone, but it's huge to me.
I hope I can keep it up.
In other news, I have a house! Weird to call it "my house", but it is. Right now it is pretty dirty. Over the course of the past year there have been at least seven different guys that have been in and out of the house, causing it to be one of the dirtiest houses I have ever stepped foot in. But I am not worried, because in a week the last of the guys will be gone and my roommate and I will be able to clean up the house and make it look awesome.
I am staying in Spring Arbor this summer nannying various children. So far the kids have been great, and it has proven to be a pretty great job. Also, there are quite a few people that are living here this summer that I will be able to chill with. This week has been one of the longest weeks of my life! In a good way of course. I have been super busy and doing stuff constantly which has been good, there has been no time to be bored.
Hopefully it will stay like this.
My latest insecurities
I often wonder about how I am ranked in a persons mind; ranked in friendship.
There are people to me that are my friends, but not close friends, in their minds we are best friends.
So how do I rank to those closest to me? It's actually a scary thing to think about...
Why should it matter though? It shouldn't, but it does. Jealousy, the fear of being replaced, I guess.
There are people to me that are my friends, but not close friends, in their minds we are best friends.
So how do I rank to those closest to me? It's actually a scary thing to think about...
Why should it matter though? It shouldn't, but it does. Jealousy, the fear of being replaced, I guess.
I know what I do, but I do not know what what I do does
There are so many beautiful thoughts, or words, or ideas I've seen and heard and I just want to remember them all constantly and be able to draw it out of my mind and share it with someone at any given moment. Sometimes I just miss those words and ideas and want to see them.
It's weird I can't explain it any better.
It's weird I can't explain it any better.
Undone
I have done this one too many times
Over and over
The same words repeated
You say I don't love you
I say you don't love me
Not the way I love you
Not the way I do
My heart beats for you
I was made to be yours
And you, mine
You
Were supposed to be
The sun that lights the day
The flower among the sharp thorns
Now there is no sun
There are no flowers
Frigid cavalcade
You left me
Heart
Soul
Mind
You left me
Fragmentary
And you expected me to be okay
Without a word
No apology
When we are together
You are not there
You resolved to be by my side
With your body
But not mind
There is no intentionality
Our time has been squandered
And there is no remorse in your eyes
Arctic warfare
cracked not shattered
To love someone who doesn't love you back is the most heartbreaking thing of it all.
JB is the bomb
On Wednesday the kindergartners and I got in a tussle about Justin Bieber after one of them told me it was his birthday today. This is how it went:
Ava: Ewww Justin Bieber, we don't like him in my house
Me: why not?
Ava: I don't know we just don't!
Me: but you don't know him how can you not like him if you don't know him, that isn't very nice
Emma: I like Justin Bieber!
Me: *high fives her*
Happy Birthday JB.
almost
"We're almost the same person, but not completely."
That is what someone just said about her and her significant other.
Be separate don't be the same person this is weird.
I'm done.
That is what someone just said about her and her significant other.
Be separate don't be the same person this is weird.
I'm done.
Trusting God and being dismissive
I dismiss my worries often and I never communicate them to other people. I haven't had a meaningful conversation with someone in a long time.
I wonder about my major and settling.
I wonder if I am trusting God, and what trusting him looks like. Is it not trusting him if I look up missions for Spring Break? Or to trust Him do I need to just sit back and wait? I'm not sure what is right. Is being proactive not trusting is thinking logically not trusting?
I wonder about my major and settling.
I wonder if I am trusting God, and what trusting him looks like. Is it not trusting him if I look up missions for Spring Break? Or to trust Him do I need to just sit back and wait? I'm not sure what is right. Is being proactive not trusting is thinking logically not trusting?
Together we will overcome the world.
I am always so awkward at introductions. Speaking of awkward one of my roommates was telling me about when she was in Guat she was trying to explain to some Guatemalans the meaning of awkward.
I was with a bunch of people, about to leave the school dining commons, and I had this feeling of loneliness rush over me. I'm not sure if it was the fact that I hadn't really talked at all at dinner. It may have been the fact that I noticed that a bunch of people who I hung out with last year are now gone. It could have been caused by seeing that everyone seems to be pairing up and running around gleefully together. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I have no interest in doing what everyone that I am associated with wants to do. Because of this I tend to seclude myself. I tell them I don't want to go, which has never been a lie, but then I sit alone in my room. I don't have a problem with this except when I do. I just want to be in the company of someone else without having to work at it. Over the past two years I have poured myself into my relationships with the people that are most important to me, but it feels like nearly all of them have gone out of my life, partly, if not entirely. So now, I am left with the people whom I have shallow relationships with, who haven't left, but also don't really know me (there are a few exceptions). I thought my roommates knew me, knew my heart, until a few recent events that has lead me to believe otherwise.
While having a "roommate sleepover", we're girls, it's weird, whatever, somehow we decided to say one good thing about each other and one thing that annoys us about the same person. One of them said something to me that really hurt me and showed me that she doesn't really know my heart like I thought she did. At a completely different time before that I asked another one of my roommates if she would fill out a reference sheet for a missions trip that I wanted to go on. She looked at me and said, "do you really want me to do this, because I am honest on these things". What was that supposed to mean? I don't know what she said about me on it, but I do know that I didn't get into the trip.
Anyway I feel lonely; because I exclude myself, and because I'm tired of pouring myself into relationships that end. The only person I blame is myself. That is not sarcasm. Seriously.
God is
God is not a man, God is not a white man.
God is not a man sitting on a cloud.
God cannot be bought.
God will not be boxed in.
God will not be owned by religion.
God is love and He loves everyone.
God is not a man, God is not an old man.
God does not belong to republicans.
God is not a flag, not even American.
And God does not depend on a government.
God is good and He loves everyone.
Atheist and charlatans and communists and lesbians; catholic or protestant terrorists and protestants, everybody, God he loves us all.
-Gungor
God is not a man sitting on a cloud.
God cannot be bought.
God will not be boxed in.
God will not be owned by religion.
God is love and He loves everyone.
God is not a man, God is not an old man.
God does not belong to republicans.
God is not a flag, not even American.
And God does not depend on a government.
God is good and He loves everyone.
Atheist and charlatans and communists and lesbians; catholic or protestant terrorists and protestants, everybody, God he loves us all.
-Gungor
A new book
Why is it that most young adult books usually have their main character as a teenage girl who is getting swept off of her feet by a guy. Let's get real, a lot of us get swept up into that sometimes, but that's not what I want to read about. It is so hard to find a book about a college student, and even more rare to find a book about a college student who isn't in love, or falling in love. Dumb.
I want to read a book about a girl who goes to college with a boyfriend and gets her heart broken. And then she heals. A book where she's dumb and makes mistakes. A book where there's heartache and pain, because that's life. A book where it's okay that's she's single, because she's not alone and she's not lonely. In a book like this, the girl doesn't need to be with a guy to feel accepted and loved because she has so much love flowing to her from other people. She has friends who love her and most importantly a God loves her. Now I know what you're thinking, where's the fun in that. Where's the adventure. But I'm sure that if there was such a book there would be plenty of adventure along the way. I want a book that's real, and encouraging, for all those girls in college who think they're alone. I want them to know that there is so much more to life than the romance of a man. These girls should know that they shouldn't be sitting around waiting for their husband to come along, but living life and enjoying every second of it; whether they're "alone" or not.
I want to read a book about a girl who goes to college with a boyfriend and gets her heart broken. And then she heals. A book where she's dumb and makes mistakes. A book where there's heartache and pain, because that's life. A book where it's okay that's she's single, because she's not alone and she's not lonely. In a book like this, the girl doesn't need to be with a guy to feel accepted and loved because she has so much love flowing to her from other people. She has friends who love her and most importantly a God loves her. Now I know what you're thinking, where's the fun in that. Where's the adventure. But I'm sure that if there was such a book there would be plenty of adventure along the way. I want a book that's real, and encouraging, for all those girls in college who think they're alone. I want them to know that there is so much more to life than the romance of a man. These girls should know that they shouldn't be sitting around waiting for their husband to come along, but living life and enjoying every second of it; whether they're "alone" or not.
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